My wife and I have only been married a six months, together for two years. Three months ago, my wife was in a car accident that left her paralyzed. She has use of her upper body, but doctors say there is little chance she will regain use of her legs, and she will probably always use a wheelchair to get around.
We are both very young (she is 21 and I am 23) and very much in love. Even if my wife never walks again, I will always love her the same way I always have. She has been staying at a rehab center for three the past couple of months, and tomorrow she returns home for good.
I was wondering how I can show my wife I still love her the same and still have a passion for her, without her feeling like I am treating her differently? I know a part of her is afraid I see her differently, or that I may leave her, but this is not the case. I vowed in sickness and in health and I meant it. Should I spend extra time with her, tell her nice things more often, should I tell her that I think she looks hot in a wheelchair or something goofy to lighten the mood?
Ladies…if this was you who was in the wheelchair (I know thats terrible to imagine), how would you want your husband to treat you. I am a Christian, so if you are a Christian feel free to tell me what the godly thing you think to do here is. If you aren’t, I still welcome your advice!
Thanks for the help to whoever responds. I have never posted a question on here before, and I hope I get the answer I need!
I’d try to provide positive reinforcement, but without being too obvious about it. For example, when she gets home, keep telling her how empty it was without her and you’re so excited she’s back. Tell her you missed her. Talk about mundane things you shared, like "Watching 24 just wasn’t the same", etc. Don’t start in on heavy stuff, like "you’re just as beautiful now as you’ve always been", etc. There will be a time for that type of thing, I’m sure, but right now you want to operate off the principle of normalcy.
And then, when she expresses her fears about how she’s not the same or you might leave, I honestly think you should act puzzled. "You mean because of the wheelchair? Seriously?" Throw in some humor – that’s always good. And that’s when you tell she’s beautiful, etc.
I would NOT recommend pronouncing that you took vows for better or worse". This sounds like you’re pumping yourself up, not her, and even worse, makes it sound like an obligation. You’re there because you love her and you wouldn’t be anywhere else. Good luck to you! It sounds like she’s lucky to have you.
just be yourself and tell her how you feel about her.
Wow…you sound like a really sweet man.
For me, I would hate to be shown any kind of pity. I would want to be treated the same as before the accident, and allowed to at least TRY doing things for myself- I’d ask if I want assistance. Reassure her often of your love, but don’t smother her. Be cheerful, and listen when she vents or rages or cries. Make sure she sees that you will always be there for her.
Kudos to you for being a good man!
well your wife will "never" be the same again either,trust me she’ll be dealing with the rest of her life like this in her own way! The best thing to do at the moment is NOTHING what I mean by that is your wife will let you know threw her daily activities what she can and can’t do! Once she has accepted this new way, you’ll be able ot follow with out saying northing at all
Good Luck to you both!
Hunter,
Honestly, if I was your wife, I would want you to treat me pretty much the same way that you always have. But, I would feel as though you were getting the short end of the stick by being with me, and I would probaby try to tell you that if you wanted to move on and find someone else, I would not hold it against you. But, even as I said those things, I would be praying that you would choose to stay with me. So, if your wife talks this way, just give her the reassurance that she needs. Listen to her feelings and her wants and needs with an open mind and an open heart, even if you don’t agree with her on everything. Try not to let her get bogged down in the negative, but don’t frustrate her by pretended that everything is all rainbow and flowers, either. Pray together for strength and courage and patience and understanding.
I would also want for you to encourage me to keep trying to walk.
I will keep the two of you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hope that I’ve helped.
Good luck.
Scarlet Cougar
You seem to know exactly what to say. Telling her she looks hot in the wheel chair will certainly get you a radiant smile and so will goofy talk. Make your house or apt. and bedroom warm and appealing with flowers, fruits, candies, her favorite books, a new puppy – {well you asked) balloons, favorite CDs Perhaps friends and family could drop in for a short period and share cake and sparkling wine. Constant light touching, hand, hair is very nice. And of course, never enough terms of endearment.
You will play this by ear. It will be important for her to be able to do something for you – so let her.
lots of hugs and kisses!
and pay attention to her legs…don’t ignore them just because they don’t work anymore. She won’t feel you touch them, but she’ll feel in it her heart. Maybe paint her toenails or shave her legs for her?
Welcome to the board Hunter. You seem like a very caring loving christian and great husband. I wish you both a long happy successful marriage. I would definately check out sections on the internet or support groups for people with disabilities only because there you’ll get the real sense of what others have gone through and how they cope and how they do not let this become between there families.
But yes your other question how would I want my husband to treat me. Still with lots of love , affection, as your doing by your words and most importantly your actions. Let her feel love and not like its an act. ( not that you ever would) have a talk with her to put her fears to rest letting her know how you feel towards her and have her ask you questions that she may worry about and you answer them. So your both on the right page and theres no guess work or presumptions on anyone’s part. and lots of communication and lots of love.
All the best to you both in your future life together. God bless!